Oh the holidays- time for togetherness and family, friends and good times. It all starts off quite well until about Day 4 when the bloating and the sunburn and the odd hangover of note turns that blessed time into a foray of snippiness and rolled eyes behind pissed off backs. Forget racist/sexist/homophobic comments or adults displaying ridiculously childish behaviour: there’s so many other ways to turn your time off from Holi-Yay to Holi-I’m-Gonna-Lose-It-With-You-People. Here are a few I employed over our Christmas break with family and friends this year:
- Planning Social Outings for Groups
This is a great way to really piss off every member of your family and or group. Simply do a slack-arsed job of organising a lunch, dinner, day or overseas trip by only managing to tell half your family with the intention of telling the other half “in the next message” and then forget. For increased annoyance, discuss how you will actually get there ad nauseum until everyone gets the shits and makes their own way to the restaurant/ resort. 100% Pissedoffage guaranteed (I can personally attest to both these methods).
Nothing says Klassy like dropping blanket F-Bombs at a festive social gathering involving lots and lots of children you hardly ever see. This is an excellent way of ensuring those people won’t want to see you for the rest of the holidays.
Plan a lunch around needing to be outside in the sunshine and on grass (think Christmas Day, kilos of messy prawns, crab and water balloons) and then watch the storm clouds, rain and wind roll in. This is great because it’s not really your fault though you should probably have had a back-up plan = everyone pissed off.
- Christmas Presents
In the vein of #1 simply give certain family members Christmas presents and forget to bring the others. This has a lovely long lasting effect since the aunt or uncle who missed out will undoubtedly reciprocate next year despite your protestations of said present being left on the kitchen bench. You’ll be feeling the stink eye on that one for at LEAST another year.
Got small children but need a swim by yourself? Or want to catch up with friends without endless requests to go back to Nana’s? Maybe you just want to go to the shops without spending $20 on KinderSurprises and Shopkins. Either way, dump your kids with Nana or an unsuspecting Aunt with promises of ‘just quickly’ ducking out and then don’t return for about four hours. Repeat daily. This really spreads the holiday hate like a glitter bomb on New Year’s.
Because your fingers don’t work so well on holidays, don’t respond to ANY messages in a timely fashion. Or ignore them all together. This not only shits off those you’re on holiday with, but every other person who has bothered to think of you over the celebratory season.
- New Year’s Eve
I could go on for hours here but will give two examples of ways you can be a dick:
a) Get an invite to a New Year’s do, employ #5 and don’t RSVP until the last minute, and then leave the party at 9:30pm. People love that.
b) Open an expensive bottle of champagne and then promptly fall asleep on the couch at 10pm, leaving your husband to watch Die Hard 2 with your parents until 12am, whereupon you wake up just enough to watch the fireworks ON TELEVISION, give them a stinky-sleep kiss and fall back into your coma. My husband particular loved this. #not
Apply enough to cover the majority of your loved ones but not enough to keep them completely sunburn free, leaving them with strangely shaped welts on their bodies. I like to call them Racing Stripes but my husband tells me they remind him of melanoma. Joyous, isn’t it?
Whatever you do, make sure wherever you stay that you don’t quite have enough space. Personally, I love brushing up against random family members in their sleepwear after a particularly hot and muggy night’s sleep in an effort to get to the coffee. I’m sure my extended family also loved listening to my children fight over who was given the blue bubble wand, as opposed to the green bubble wand, from Santa at 7:30am.
Telling one of your group or family, let’s say for instance, ya Mum, how to cook a roast chicken is an excellent way to bring the mood right down to a homicidal level. After all, your Mum has probs done that once or twice before and maybs knows what she’s doing in the roast chook department. No. She has never ‘salted’ a chicken before and won’t be anytime soon. She doesn’t care how Jamie Oliver does it. Just leave her be or suffer the consequences of your Mum on an icy rampage. Now that is fucking scary.
Inanimate objects should also be subjected to some fuckwittery. I like to gorge on chips, fruit cake, beer and wine until getting my pants on resembles some weird krumping dance move. The hours are then spent in those pants wondering exactly how much strain the button can take before it pops off in exasperation. Pants- who needs ‘em? Time to crack out the moo moo.
- Post holiday parenting
Oh- didn’t bother parenting over that holiday (from the above list it sounds like I had trouble adulting so let’s just assume it’s a yes from me) and let the kids eat and do whatever the hell they liked when it took their whimsical fancy?? Now the real shit storms begin. Putting kids to bed at a reasonable hour, weaning them off sugar and foods coloured rainbow, asking them ‘politely’ to stop referring to you as “Hey lady” or “You there”… Aah yes, aren’t the holidays delightful?
Obviously this list is far from exhaustive.
What’s your preferred way to piss off everyone over the holidays?
Disclaimer: I actually had a pretty awesome holiday. I ate, I drank, I caught up with friends and spent time with my family and it was all amazing. Except for #12 which I’m living at the moment and it is hellish. Also, I would never tell my Mum how to cook a chook.