I’ve written about what to do in Noosa if it’s raining, what it’s like in the Noosa Everglades and the unbridled joys of over-holidaying. But it’s time to bring on a bit of realism and talk about what you should do in Noosa if you’re exhausted, really lazy or just prefer to expend as little effort as possible to gain the greatest outcome.
The thing about Noosa is that it is full of healthy exercising types. Surfers paddling around constantly, grey nomads furiously walking off last night’s sundowners, triathletes trying to better their run leg by 10 .3 seconds, yummy mummys pushing prams in designer active wear: you will not be able to escape these people. It can all get a bit much when all you want to do is eat carby holiday food and perv on backpackers.
- DON’T go for a walk to the National Park.
Hills, narrow tracks, fit looking people doing fast movements with their legs and arms while dripping sweat, straining your neck to look up at koalas or squinting into the ocean as you spot dolphins and whales. It’s all pretty strenuous. Avoid this.
- DO book accommodation on Hastings St or next to the river.
Anywhere mentioning ‘outlook’ or ‘hill’ or ‘vista’ or ‘crest’ is going to involve a long walk down to the beach and (infinitely worse) a puffy walk dragging your Betty’s Burger laden arse back up a long hill. Booking accommodation next to the river is even better since there are no inclines at all except for perhaps a small ramp up to one of the restaurants (avoid the steps).
If you’re outrageously lazy, it’s probably best not to hire a boat to drive yourself to explore the Noosa waterways. This involves actually steering and being in charge of a water-born craft and due to the tides and the fact that you’ve already proven yourself to be a bit feckless because you’re reading this, you will probably get marooned on a sand bar and either have to push the boat off it (again, strenuous) or wait there till the tide changes whilst everyone motors past and laughs (blood pressure rising: strenuous).
- Catalina and the Ferry
A much more sensible option is to simply get on the ferry. You can catch it from behind the Sheraton (might be too far depending which end of Hastings St you’re staying at) and then boat all the way up the river without actually doing anything but sitting. You can even get off the ferry at several different stops and walk less than 20 metres to a restaurant and continue your holiday carb loading. The Catalina is more for people who don’t even want to get off a ferry, but prefer to eat and drink on board while making pithy remarks to hipsters.
- Avoid non-motorised water craft hire.
All of these involve effort- even the Stand Up Paddle boards and especially the surfboards, not least because there will no doubt be some pesky instructor yelling things like “Pop up now! Stand up!” and then when you fall off the board and swallow a litre of saltwater he/she will yell ‘encouragement’: “That was great *cough shithouse cough* Come back out and we’ll try again!“ This activity is only good if you have kids and you need to tire them the hell out.
- Get a massage
They do this on the beach = minimal effort.
- Eat off-peak.
During peak times there is always a line up, especially at places like Betty’s Burgers, Massimo’s icecream and the Surf Club on 2 for1 nights. Again: effort required here. You will have to stand for at least five minutes and ain’t nobody got time for that on holiday.
There won’t be a park. You will trawl the streets, become excited when you see a vacant park only to discover a complicated set of loading zone rules. It won’t be a park. There’s also only one way in and out of Hastings St which means that unless you are staying on Hastings St, you will spend hours of your day getting to and from Hastings St. Even typing that out was exhausting.
Follow these simple tips and you too can roll back from your Noosa holiday with as little as 200 Calories expended per day!
What’s your holiday hack for being as lazy as possible?