Warning: As the title suggests, this post contains sweary words.
As the end of Term 3 approaches, along with its associated Shit Storms, comes the weather event I dread the most: The Illness Shit Drizzle. Why a Shit Drizzle you ask? Because a Shit ‘Storm’ suggests a cathartic and reasonably brief expulsion of loud noise and destruction, leaving you with a feeling of renewal and rejuvenation since you’ve just told someone to fuck off with your soon-not-to-be resting bitch face. End of Term 3 illness does none of that. There is no cleansing explosion of exasperation, just a slow creep of snot, high temperatures and long nights of coughing and crying leaving you drained and generally pissed off with every human who’s ever had a cold and near your child. Ever. And the pharmacist who questions the script given to you by your doctor whilst your child either hangs hot and sweaty in your arms or rips the chemist apart. And then your other kid gets it. And then you get it. Good times.
The Shit Drizzle is characterised by incessant, boring, feckful illness that questions the very essence of your sanity as you spend a large fortune on Panadol, Eukybear, antibiotics and then probiotics. If we’d you’d opted to give your kids steamed broccoli and lean protein instead of a Happy meal after they’d been running around at dusk barefoot with about two stitches of clothing on… well maybe some of that would have been alleviated. Hey ho. Our entire household is now in the Shit Drizzle.
So how to tackle this? Here’s what I’ve come up with…
- Ignore it
They teach this in Mediocre Parenting 101 I believe. Just ignore the pleas of feeling hot or tired and tell them to ‘toughen up’ as you straighten their school hat and push them out the car door.
- Green Smoothies and Berocca
So the tough love didn’t work? Vitamin Cs, Beroccas and green smoothies which taste like something a grass eating dog just vomited up should definitely do the trick in the feeling lively department.
Today’s Green Smoothie of Hope is bought to you by the ENORMOUSLY successful global corporation: Catastrophic Germ Factories PTY LTD (otherwise known as CHILDREN). Using a powerful marketing strategy called ‘School’ CGF have managed to infiltrate even the most stringent parental hygiene standards. Contains rainbow chard, apple, pineapple, ginger, tumeric, an unhealthy amount of Resignation and a touch of Irritation. #spicy #finallysuccumbedtothesnot #fuckingkidsandtheirgerms
- Screens of every description
TV, iPads, phones, anything! Make sure they don’t move for a few hours. That’ll fix them up!
- Holistic Food
Those kids still looking flat? Depending on where you sit on the Pete Evans Spectrum of Food Fads you should now boil the shit out of a chicken and vegetables and then make the poor children drink it straight. For fun, cool it down in cute animal moulds and once it gelatinises, tell the kids its ‘Health Jelly’. They’ll love the kitschness of it all and gobble it up instantly! Make chicken soup from the leftovers and watch as they refuse to eat it. More fun!!
- Essential oils
The cracks have definitely started to appear in your house of health if you have begun cracking out the essential oils to ‘cleanse’ the house. Eucalytpus, lemon, peppermint and lavender… Your house will smell like a Spring bouquet, not the early onset of snot and sinus infections.
Many the parent has either cursed this elixir’s health benefits (generally after calling their child in sick to daycare/school only to have the Panadol kick in and suddenly a seemingly very healthy and boisterous child on their hands for the day) or looked into buying shares in a pharmaceutical company after going through bottles of the stuff. It works; if you’ve started administering this, you are in the death throes of denial.
You’re all going to get sick. Resistance is futile. Make an appointment with your GP and a heap of that bone broth shit and start drinking it.
NB I’m clearly not a health professional and obviously not a shining example of how to prevent every member of your family becoming sick at the same time. Yes, this will help you feel better, but probably only in a placebic fashion. On the upside, you can talk to the hippy contingent at the school gate about your essential oil mix and bone broth recipes (don’t mention the Panadol).
How are you coping with the end of term illnesses? Fighting the good fight or resigned?
Linking up with Kylie Purtell and the #IBOT crew