Warning: This post contains completely contextual swear words.
I’m going to bust some myths about parenting young kids. It’s not a whinge, just some facts pointed out that mainstream media gloss over in their attempts to sell nappies and housing estates and appliances (been watching a bit too much Free to Air TV of late).
- Myth: Kids go to sleep easily
Truth: Never happens. Drinks of water, stories, lullabies, trips to the toilet, back rubs, special toys. Does that sound easy? Lavender scented bath wash might make you feel a bit better about the Witching Hour, but it ain’t going to get your kids to sleep any quicker.
2. Myth: A parent’s happiest moment is at the park with their kids
Truth: If by park you mean a place where parents get to actually sit down and finish an entire conversation with other adults while their children safely play on equipment which will in turn stimulate their minds and tire them the fuck out… then yes. But I think any person who has ever even walked past a playground will agree that this doesn’t happen because kids can hurt themselves on even the most benign equipment and they don’t leave their parents alone for one fucking minute.
3. Myth: Only really bad parents give their kids junk food.
Truth: It is a known fact that the majority of parents has a stash of food they eat secretly so they don’t have to share it with their kids. It’s also a fact that kids can be nosy little shits who will eventually sniff out the corn chips or the chocolate at which point the parent will relent and give them some. These people are not bad parents. They’re just bad at hiding junk food.
4. Myth: It’s quite normal for people to have kids AND a clean house.
Truth: These people have a distinct problem called Obsessive Compulsive Disorder which causes them to uncontrollably clean all day long and enforce strict hygiene rules upon their offspring. Or maybe they’ve got a cleaner. Probably just got a cleaner and kids who aren’t as feral as yours.
5. Myth: You’ll love everything about your child.
Truth: Ever changed a baby’s poo filled nappy when they are eating solid food? It’s gross. No one loves that. Or bungy-jumping boogers. Or even the 87th life size model of a dog made out of cereal boxes and tissues paper from daycare. Or finding a gecko ‘saved’ from a life of living outside in the cold four days after it died from being trapped in a shoe box with rocks and herbs from the garden to eat but not before a cockroach and a thousand ants have. Nope. Not loving that.
6. Myth: Children don’t play outside anymore.
Truth: Yes they do. This is clearly evidenced in Myth #2.
7. Myth: Providing your child with endless enriching activities will tire them out.
Truth: Nope. Only raises their expectations of what craft crap you’ll do at home and the frequency of such crap. Just let them watch Mister Maker and tell them to pretend.
8. Myth: Having children will change your life.
Truth: Having children alters the very fabric of your being, your hormones, your living space, your priorities, your ability to think logically, your need for eight hours sleep a night… the space in your heart is amplified, your protective instincts become gargantuan and yet you can make fun of and complain about your kids til your blue in the face. But if someone else complains about those kids you will get violently primal on that arsehole. We are irrevocably altered, not simply changed.
This list is obviously not exhaustive so feel free to add your own down there in the comments section.