6 Ways To Identify Parents of Small Children.

IDENTIFYING parents header

Know someone with kids born after 2005? Then they’ll display some if not all of the traits below…

1.Mother’s Group

The term ‘Mothers’ Group’ will be met with almost universal derision as  the parent laughs off these attempts at organised support as simply two hour torture sessions of baby comparison and developmental one-upmanship. There will almost always be at least one other group member who the parent found to be “normal” and is thus allowed to hang out and call them on trivial child-related matters “all the time”.

Mothers Group
“And then she said ‘He’s just learnt to clap- it’s so cute!’ Like he’s some sort of aeronautical engineer or something. Pfffft!” said random parent after Mothers’ Group.

2. Repetitive Names

Chances are their children are named Lily or Olivia or for boys Jack or Jackson or Jayden or something else on the Ja- theme. Oh, the parents’ named them something different? Then those offspring will almost certainly be friends with Lily M. and Lily S. and probs a Lily H-W etc.  Don’t get me started on the kids whose names are Lylleee.

3. The Babycino Effect

You’ll know small children are in the mix if you’re trying to meet for coffee with these people because you have to go to  Cafe A as it “definitely has better babycinos” than Cafe B (your choice).  What’s hard about a bit of milk froth, a sprinkle of chocolate and a marshmallow? Lots and lots. These parents can regale you for hours  with the Babycino Crimes perpetrated by certain cafes:  not enough froth, milk that’s too hot, no marshmallows or worse, too many marshmallows…  Just let them pick the cafe. Oh and the kids are obviously coming to the coffee date so don’t wear anything white.

Ebook Blog post

 

4. ABC 2

People with small children are usually big fans of shows such as Spicks and Specks and Doctor Who, mostly because these programs follow on from the close of Giggle and Hoot. Feel sorry for these parents- they are simply too exhausted to change the channel from ABCKids.

Giggle and Hoot
Boosting “Spicks and Specks” viewership since 2010.

5.1 PTSD-like symptoms when the word “Shopkins” or “Thomas” is uttered.

Parents with smallish children, perhaps up to the age of ten in some cases, will have relented to the pressure and brought their children Shopkins toys, Thomas the Tank Engine toys or both (provide chocolate and wine to these people). Shopkins are over priced pieces of plastic which are simply figurines designed to make your child buy more overpriced pieces of plastic. ‘Collect them all’ stupid parents and then try and walk barefoot in your home without stepping on one!! Fun for noone everybody!! Thomas the Tank engine toys are slightly more passive to the Shopkins aggressive, in that there are about twenty different ‘styles’ of Thomas trains which will only fit on certain corresponding Thomas tracks.  These parents are constantly searching for the right track to fit Percy’s wheels for their child who is most likely having  a meltdown because “Pwercy  twacks  not fitting!! Waaahhh!!” Whether Shopkins or Thomas has been purchased, these people can be identified by the clumps of hair they’ve pulled out in the meantime.

shopkins
Look cute and benign, don’t they?. They ain’t at 10 pm on the floor of a darkened room. Photo Courtesy of the aptly named blog post: How Many Shopkins Is Too Many Shopkins? 
  • 5.2 Furby

If you have a friend who has small children and they seem to have developed a fear and /or hatred of small brightly coloured furry balls, this is the reason. Don’t know what a Furby is? Thank your lucky stars. If you really hate someone and you want them to suffer: buy their kids one of these.

Furby_picture
Toy made by the devil himself, The Furby.

6. Laurie Lawrence like attributes

Parents of children born post 2005, upon getting into any body of water with their children, will be prone to fits of baby swimming drills with random songs like “Teddy Bear”, “Humpty Dumpty” and “[Child’s name] Ready, Go” before pushing these kids under the water. The children will be unphased and actually seem to enjoy being dunked mercilessly over and over again.

There’s many more- feel free to add your own below!

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