Attempting the Impossible.

I need a filter. Not the pool kind, or the coffee kind or even the cigarette kind. No. I need a swear word filter.And whilst I jumped on board the cuss train when it broke over Facebook that a study showed swearing makes you more attractive a little voice at the back of my head said “Who the f!@* are they kidding?” We’ve all cringed when someone else’s swear filter is fixed at a much lower setting than our own and walked away, ears ringing from the shell shock of blanket C-bombs and F’ing S’s.

By all means, I can get through a sentence or three without taking the Lord’s name in vain, but beyond that, I’m not sure.
And I’m OK with it, until I meet someone who’s never had the displeasure of conversing with me at 8am, over breakfast , as I drop a few of my own F-Bombs in attempt to underline a certain point.

The best example of non swearing swearing I’ve ever seen.
To that end, I’m attending an intimate Melbourne Cup Lunch tomorrow (read: couldn’t be bothered dressing up and bleeding hundred dollar notes at a proper function) with on a friend’s boat. Boats are small: it is very difficult to disengage yourself from a conversation you’re not really enjoying on a boat. So I really need to get my filter to the “On” position as opposed to the ‘Fuck Off’ position otherwise I shall find myself at one end of a small river vessel while the rest of our party congregates at the other end, knee deep in water. Here is how I’m going to achieve this Filter not on ‘Fuck Off’ thing.
  1. Don’t speak unnecessarily. (Really, seems to be the best option)
  2. Limit my champagne consumption: highly unlikely but I’m going to give it a go.
  3. Attempt to substitute a swear word with a socially appropriate word eg “Scheisse” instead of “Shit”. I think I can definitely do this.
  4. Use the same vocabulary I do with my children “Oh my word!” or “Isn’t that a Pip?!” instead of “Fuck!!” and sound like I should be running bloody Playschool, not a sweeps on the horse racing whilst swilling Champagne
Yep, I’m going to fucking kill it in the conversation stakes: Pip Pip What!

One thought on “Attempting the Impossible.

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