So four episodes into perhaps the biggest load of twaddle to ever grace my television set, I am hooked and staring down the barrel of hours upon hours of said twaddle rotting my brain. Until Bachie Wood can choose which twittipated budgie he’d like to look like he is in love with, I’ll be watching The Bachelor– uuugh I’m so disappointed in myself. I blame Rosie Waterland without hesitation for this current predicament as her summations of each episode are ridiculously funny, though to be fair, I have a fairly poor track record when it comes to prudent telly watching.
Here are my Top 5 All Time Pathetic TV Addictions:
1. Xena Warrior Princess:
Xena, ready to fight evil with boobs of highly ornamental steel.
Back when TV was just ‘TV’ and not “Free To Air”, when having a job meant serving donuts with thinly veiled derision and Thursdays were exciting because it was cheap drinks at The Victory, I was completely addicted to this show.
Com. Plete. Ly. I even signed emails (this new fandangled way of communicating) as “The Warrior Princess”. So so sad. But true.
I missed the very first episode of the very first season, but that was it for about 20 seasons. Oh the intrigue, beautiful settings and exclamations of “That’s not how you start a fire from scratch- idiots!!!” (because I’m such a wizz with damp coconut husk and a couple of sticks). All those white toothy American smiles and then Jeff Probst. Mmmm Jeff Probst… Oh, and I had a bit of a crush on Jeff Probst.
Jeff on the job.
3. America’s Next Top Model:
America’s Next Top Narcissist.
Vacuous, ridiculous, narcissistic and superficial. Throw in Tyra Banks and her catty minions criticising every single little pore on these creatures and you have television perfection. I loved it until I caught myself critiquing mine own photo compositions and whether my right or left was my ‘best side’ and decided it was time to move on.
Jeff thinking about how he’d like to ask me out for dinner…
I loved the first season but now I could cheerfully knife every single one of these dipsticks.
Only for the first season and then I really couldn’t give a shit if Emily killed a Grayson or whether Nolan got it on with everyone else.
Jeff, thinking about how he regrets the decision not to ask me out.
5. Bold and the Beautiful
Very brief, but still, it’s a blight on my viewing career.
Still distraught he can’t make it work with me, Jeff buries his pain on set in more seasons of Survivor.
He’s even pale with grief.
And this list isn’t exhaustive, there were the first few seasons of Masterchef which I couldn’t live without, and I’ve also tested positive for Game of Thrones Disease… But The Bachelor is definitely a significant low point. I’ll try and temper it with a bit of 4 Corners or some other brilliant ABC series- I’m still treading carefully over on Channel 2 after a few ghastly episodes of One Born Every Minute.
So, sharing’s caring and I’d really like to have someone teetering on this horrible branch of discloure with me, so which cringeworthy programs are gracing your telly??