Detoxing for Dummies OR How to smell better at the back end.

After the Bacchanalia, or what most of you like to call the June/July holidays, everyone in our house was feeling wonderfully relaxed but horribly overfed and definitively over-watered. Lots of catch-ups with friends and family, celebrations of every type and general lethargy in attempting to produce anything beyond chips and camembert from my kitchen had left us feeling sluggish to say the least.

But the tipping point came one of these chilly mornings when both kids had crawled into bed with us first thing, and Sussie let one rip. Of course, The Boetman, a three year old boy, thinks farts are just about the funniest things he’s ever come across so after a long giggle he produced a few of his own.
Far out! I’d really like to know when exactly your gorgeous babies cease to be gorgeous and just become talking stink merchants? These kids ponged! And it was hard to tell what to do: on the one hand my eyes were watering with the sulphurousness of it all, and on the other: that bed was so toasty. Then Fiela added his own disgustingness to the vapours in our bed and I absolutely knew it was time to get out.
A cleanse was in order.

 “Ghost Town” and a wonderful representation of how a detox can feel like a nuclear attack.
Courtesy of Youtube and
So this week we’ve given up meat and alcohol in an attempt to rid our bodies of the backlog in our bowels. We should probably have added dairy and caffeine to the list but The Boetman is still out-drinking a 3 week old poddy calf and I’m quite simply unpleasant without coffee so those two things stay.
After a (very) cleansing vegetable soup and then kofta and rice(thanks Hare Krishna cookbook) I’m certainly feeling lighter and brighter without the debilitating effects of a full-on detox. I’ve also lost a kilogram and can drop a fluff in the car without gasping for air, even with the windows up.
Back when I was younger and a bit stupider, Fiela and I would detox for two weeks, twice a year. This involved going cold turkey on meat, dairy, alcohol and caffeine. We also tried to avoid processed foods. For the first four days I would act like a pre-menstrual werewolf with a spear lodged in its nostril and Fiela would hobble around claiming to “feel great” despite full-on headaches and muscle cramps. These symptoms would ease as the shit we’d pumped into our body slowly leeched out and by the end of the week we’d feel back to (a healthier version of) our normal selves.

Chilli Non Carne or Colonic Irrigation for #CheapArses.
We haven’t done one of these full-on detoxes since we’ve had the kids, and I don’t think I can. The idea of coffee being unavailable to me, along with cheese being off the menu for the kids almost sends me into the shakes. And besides, we had Chilli Non Carne tonight which has the effect of a colonic irrigation that’s been heated (depending on the amount of jalapenos you pile on top)  so I can’t imagine there’ll be anything much left in my system by tomorrow morning: cleanse complete.
Hasn’t this been a pleasant journey into Overshare Valley?


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