The Cheap, Easy Way To Lose Weight #CheapArseTuesdays.

Cheap Arse HEADER

Want to lose weight but don’t want it to cost a fortune? Too concerned about hygiene standards at the gym to bother going? Online diet and exercise programs too time consuming?

Tight Arse Tuesday is here and I have a low-cost high-performance solution to your weighty woes.

Leek soup
The Leek Soup diet: Side effects include wanting to kill anyone who comes anywhere near you for any reason whatsoever.

I’ve tried everything to lose weight- calorie counting, exercising everyday, following a restrictive diet involving just grapes or leek soup (combined with PMS that was NOT a great week in our household). I’ve read every That’s Life miracle diet and arm-chaired my way through seasons of The Biggest Loser in the hope their weight loss would rub off on me. But they didn’t.

 

commandoe280a61
Apparently this is why 99% of women (and lots and lots of men) watch Australia’s Biggest Loser.

 

So here it is, the incredibly simple low cost method of losing weight.

Stop. Putting. So. Much. In. Your. Mouth.

That’s it!

Obviously don’t stop putting EVERYTHING in your mouth: that’s a disease called anorexia which isn’t funny at all (The Butterfly Foundation has lots of information on this disorder if you feel you need help). This particular diet is for people with a BMI over 25 who want to get into a healthy weight range.

The financial benefits of this program, which I’m going to call “Stop Eating For Three People- There Is Only One (Maybe a Bit Extra if You’re Pregnant) of You” or SEFTP-TIOOY for short, are enormous:

  1. Decrease your grocery list at the supermarket = winning already.
  2. No need to pay for pesky diet plans on SEFTP-TIOOY.
  3. Don’t buy the newest appliance which will annihilate fresh fruit and vegetables into a made-for-sculling Super Boost Immuno Wonder Puke Smoothie. You can save anywhere between $300 and $2000 here alone!
  4. Exercise is only 20% of the weight loss equation so if you’re super lazy, just eat a little bit less again and you’ll be absolved from getting off the couch at all (or paying for a gym membership).
  5. You can bore all your friends with how SEFTP-TIOOY changed your life: They won’t want to have so much as a coconut water with you, let alone dinner which means even more savings.
  6. Once Fatty Boombalada clothes can be sewn into new Skinny Minnie clothes (alright, this is probs not that financially great as you’d have to eat loads of baked goods to get you through all that sewing).

Combined with the GOYLAADSB* exercise plan you’ll be looking and feeling foxy faster than you can say “More cracker with that camembert?”

Just stop putting so much food in your mouth.

There. Done. That’s it. Such a simple concept.

Yet so fucking hard to implement. In fact even writing about it is bloody hard.

 

Awful chocolate tart
Still having trouble sticking to the SEFTP-TIOOY diet? Just make this tart which looks like vomited up beetroot and you’ll be on track in no time!

So while I’m typing out this Cheap Arse Tuesday post, I’ve consoled myself with an entire block of expensive dark chocolate. Apparently it’s actually good for me. Apparently

I’ll probably start my SEFTP-TIOOY diet tomorrow.

Along with my GOYLAADSB* exercise plan which is said to be a wonderful and serene way of getting fit and slim.

*Get Off Your Lazy Arse And Do Some Burpees

NB: I have actually done two rounds of the Michelle Bridges 12 Week Body Transformation and it was really good. I will elaborate more when they contact me with an apology (WTF- I was quite happy not knowing what a burpee was until I did this program) and want to do a sponsored post, which I would TOTALLY do because it is quite seriously awesome.

Disclaimer: This is quite obviously a piss-take though if you are seriously considering the SEFTP-TIOOY diet and GOYLAADSB exercise plan message me. I’ll only charge a few bucks to ring you everyday and tell you to put the copious amounts of bad food down.

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