After a particularly long weekend of eating, drinking, staying up late and eating and drinking some more, I wobbled out of bed, staggered through breakfast, threw some baked beans in a container for Marguerite’s school lunch and thought a shower would be enough to make me ready for school drop off and being out and about in public.
No it wasn’t. Not even a little bit. Water is life giving but unfortunately when you beat your liver with wine and rich food sticks all weekend, you’re going to need more than H2O to make you look presentable. The main issue was my eyes- nothing says “You Thought You Were 23 On the Weekend Not 37, Didn’t You?” more than puffy eyes. And mine were like piss holes in the snow.
People, I give you Arse Cream for your face. Of course you can go for Clarins Beauty Flash Balm for $55 for 50 ml (that’s around 50 cents every time you wack some on your face) or you can be a Tight Arse and buy Hirudoid cream for $20 for 40 mls. That’s less than half price!
Hirudoid won’t make a chicken disappear though.
Of course, Hirudoid cream isn’t for your haemorrhoids. Ha! You’d have to be stupid to think it was though the name does suggest you’d put it on your backside for grape like protrusions . But all you silly people need to do is a quick web search to find out that no, it’s not actually for your arse. (Yes I am a bit stupid. Lucky for you I’m addicted to Google and managed to do a small bit of research.) Hirudoid is for bruises and after the weekend I’d had at the Noosa International Food and Wine Festival, my eyes were bruised to crappery. So I wacked it on. When it comes to my face I prefer to use the verb ‘wack’ when referring to the application of skin care products and the swelling did go down almost immediately. By the time we got to school, I just looked like I’d been up all night tending to my kids (appropriate Sunday night behaviour), not partying like it was 1999 (inappropriate).
Anyway Hirudoid works on reducing swelling on your face especially your eyes after
a huge night and it’s heaps cheaper than anything Clarins makes.
But if you wanted to be a true Tight Arse you would have stayed at home all weekend eating 2 minute noodles and watching free-to-air TV or taking your kids to the park. For free. Not going out and spending outrageous amounts of money on wanky food and wine. Which was so infinitely more pleasurable than eating 2 Minute Noodles that I gladly put what I like to call Arse Cream on my face instead of something glamorous like Beauty Flash Balm.