Newsflash: Woman Realises Birthing is Painful No Matter Which Way You Do It!

“What on Earth are women doing putting their hands up and willingly ask for this to be done to them? Are they stupid?” I said this to a friend very recently in regard to those electing to have a caesarean section as their preferred mode of giving birth to their child. Yes, clearly my Have A Little Think About What You’re Saying Before You Say It filter wasn’t working that day.

Indulge me if you will.

I’ve just had a small non imperative internal organ removed. In fact this happened 5 days ago and I’ve just weaned myself off Endone but have upped my Panadol and hourly whinge dose exponentially. I can’t pick up my kids or anything for that matter as the surgery has gone through my abdominal muscles. Even thinking about picking that spoon up off the floor sends twinges through my stitches into my bruised internal muscles and all the way up my back which I’ve been using to hold myself up instead of my stomach muscles. A drive in the car is harrowing as we negotiate potholes and roundabouts. Getting out of the arm chair reminds me of being 8.7 months pregnant (my bloated anaesthetised stomach supports this particular visual) and I am still walking around like a dormant zombie.

Kirsten trying to empathise with a pregnant lady- all children suck a bit of life out of you!

Kirsten trying to empathise with a pregnant lady- all children suck a bit of life out of you!

When I earned my degree of medicine from The University of My Friend Told Me, I learnt that my recovery from this procedure is not unlike that of one from a caesarean section. Which led me to hypothesise why on Earth you’d ever willingly have one done instead of birthing ‘naturally’, where the recovery time is theoretically much, much shorter. Of course there’s the trade off of feeling like Sigourney Weaver in Alien for 24 hours or so and I guess this is where the point of difference is: 24 hours and a ruined vagina or a couple of weeks of pain and post surgery suffering?

Sigourney emulating the birthing room en pointe.

Sigourney emulating the birthing room en pointe.

Before every fertile female on the planet jumps down my throat, I obviously concur that caesarean sections are one of the most important procedures available to us in sustaining the life of mother and baby in the birthing process. But after having my insides on the outside and surgeons rummaging around amongst my internal organs while they discuss what happened on My Kitchen Rules last night, I’m feeling pretty ordinary, and I’ve got nothing but a cute hot pink bell bar attached to my nipple (jokes Mum!), not a 3.2 kilogram baby

So why do women opt to have a surgeon rummage around in their bodies, extract a 3++ kilogram mass, have themselves stitched up then groggily wheel off to maternity to bask in serious pain medication followed by at least a week in hospital… unless they really need to

Now, in the words of a dear friend, The Duchess, in regards to a vaginal birth, “There’s no getting away from the fact that that shit hurts.” And I get the idea of childbirth and its associate labour pain is brain explosion material. But it’s not as prolonged as this post surgery crap.

I still can't watch this show without shedding tears of sympathy.

I still can’t watch this show without shedding tears of sympathy.

Which leads me to my next assertion: Any woman who goes through a caesarean section is an absolute bloody legend. To deal with the hormone rollercoaster, the realisation that yes, you are still a bit fat post birth and the most beautiful and frightening thing of all, you are now in charge of the most wonderful being in the world (until they tell you that short hair “just doesn’t work” on you. WTF my daughter is 5!?), all the while dealing with post heavy duty surgery injuries… My God I will never talk about my own vaginal birthing stories as ‘harrowing’ again. Ha! Jokes- I’ll be trotting those out before you can say ‘Syntocinon!’

Anyway, as I chuck down Panadol like chia seeds in my muesli, I salute my caesarean sisters; I’m not sure who’s got more rocks in their vagina, but when we all come out the other side with our babies breathing their sweet breath, it’s worth it.



2 thoughts on “Newsflash: Woman Realises Birthing is Painful No Matter Which Way You Do It!

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