Childzillas: The case for child-free weddings.


What’s the worst thing about weddings? Is it the gift registry? Long vows? Deep fried canapés? Even longer speeches? The chicken dance? One brother missing in action only to turn up at the hospital with an official GPFO injury (Got Pissed and Fell Over)? Personally, I love weddings. Even the long vows, it gives me a chance to really size up the competition for the throwing of the bouquet and who doesn’t love a spring roll? As for the chicken dance? Sign me up, finally a moment to take some of the lime light from those damned bridesmaids.

Of course, there is one thing I hate about weddings: taking my kids along. I’d rather knit my pubic hair together. It’s OK if they are at the ceremony, especially if it’s a long one, mostly because it gives you a chance to miss part of it as the kids get bored and have to go outside. But that is where it ends for me. We’ve even driven from one side of Sydney to the other during peak hour and spent hundreds of dollars on babysitters just to have a child free reception.

So it was with a fair amount of cement in our shoes that Fiela and I took our children to my brother’s wedding. We had to; not only was Marguerite a flower girl, but all our babysitters would be in attendance at the wedding itself anyway. And I was stoked my almost-sister-in-law wanted her almost-niece to be in her bridal party, but I also think she’d had a bit of a brain explosion when she asked if my daughter could be a flowergirl: she has met Marguerite in all her whiney glory on numerous occasions. So anyway, we took them along.

Note the red eyes from crying about long pants for 45 minutes.

Oh the drama. First Marguerite played up at the wedding rehearsal. Then Caesar threw an almighty tantrum because he couldn’t wear board shorts to the ceremony (45 mins of unadulterated screaming, leg throwing and arm waving) and finally the moment itself where Miss M yawned repeatedly in her best stage whisper while Caesar wriggled and generally made concentrating on the happy couple’s nuptials difficult. Aaah yes. Why did we bring the kids? Oh I forgot, so they could wake us up at 6am the next morning and party with our hangovers.

Angelic. For the moment.

And really, how many opportunities do you get to really tart yourself up, go out with your partner (or be placed in a room with a high percentage of prospective ones) and enjoy a night of dinner and dancing all wrapped up in a tight cocoon of love and happiness? Not often. Let’s face it, children, whilst loved unconditionally by their parents at all times, are not in anyway conducive to a night of fun, bouquets of flowers and copious amounts of champagne.

Luckily for us we had a visiting uncle who could whisk the kids away the moment they became annoying (5 minutes after the ceremony) so we could really immerse ourselves in the loveliness of two people dedicating their lives to one another. It was absolutely beautiful and we had a fabulous night- congratulations Pete and Meagan!


Do you think weddings should be adult only affairs? Or do you enjoy taking your children?

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