Warning: contains swear words.
I wrote this post about seven weeks ago, a few days into the beginning of my eldest child’s first ever year at school. Writing it was more of an explorative exercise to work out why I was so annoyed every time I yelled out: “Come on it’s time for school… Now… NOW! COME ON LET’S MOVE IT TO THE CAR!!!!!!!!!!”
You guessed right, those first few mornings just before school drop off were anything but calm and quiet. I didn’t think I’d ever post it, but seeing as it’s almost the end of Term 1 and I’m still feeling pretty similar to the way I felt at the start, I think it might still be relevant.
So instead of the usual first day of school: ‘There Aren’t Enough Tissues To Mop Up My Tears’ post or its polar opposite the “Thank God! I Didn’t Think This Day Would Come Soon Enough (insert happy dance)” Post, I’m going to go with the “Five Ways My Child Starting School Has Really Fucked Up My Life” post. Ready?
1. Less Time, Not more.
My time is no longer my own. WTF? Now I understand the bulk of you will be thinking, but you’ve been raising this child for five years or so; how is your time only being impacted upon NOW you stupid twat? But really, if I wanted to go to the park or the shops or have a wine at 2:45pm, or (more realistically) not get out of my pyjamas until 9am, then who cared? I could swan about in pink pants with bears on them around my living room and no one except my husband would raise an eyebrow. But now? Now I have to be somewhere, look respectable (or just fairly clean) twice during the day and interact with other adults whilst I’m there. And I’m sorry, but that’s just not right for a Stay At Home Mum
2. More Administration.
I have to check my emails every half hour just to ensure I haven’t missed a vital message about school fees, nits or whether Little Johnny is now allergic to cheese or fruit or some other essential lunchbox item and could we all now not include that?
3. Absolute Phone Coverage
My phone must never leave my side. What if she is sick? What if a cyclone whips up out of nowhere and Armageddon is upon us? What if there’s an urgent book covering meeting? I’m okay with them ringing me, just don’t do it during America’s Next Top Model or when I’m having a nap.
4. Small talk
I have to make small talk about how other people’s kids are. Like I care. No really, like I actually care.
5. Tired children
And lastly I have to attempt to enjoy time with my child when they are ridiculously tired and /or suffering from nits. I do miss my little girl and I want to have fun with her in the afternoon, but of course she’s been having fun elsewhere and like a jealous girlfriend I find myself cursing little Milly who has “cool hair” because it’s in pigtails. Mama’s hair is short. That’s not cool. Apparently. Clearly I need to expose my daughter to more A-List celebrities and their own flirtations with short hair, brief though they may be.
So in short, my child starting school has really fucked up my life. Not to mention she’s on her way to reading and I will have to start curbing my ‘writing’ swearing, not just my ‘speaking’ swearing. Fuck it.